Feedback on my lyrics

chocolate bar
What a damn nice lyric. This chorus lifted my mood even at this late hour Its a very simple put hugely intriguing question - what is the best thing there is. You've managed to list all the simple pleasures in life quite neatly and then thrown the grenade in at the end in the form of the 64 million dollar question. The verses are very different in tone than the chorus which I think very cleverly contrasts opposing moods about the same topic. I loved the second verse - who knows how'll we'll answer the last questions and how we'll fare in out last judgement. This is very well crafted indeed.
Sing4Me

 

watch out
long time no see / hear
and what a way to come back
I like this a lot not really my kind of video but I still enjoyed it
for me it was the lyric that made this
and you fit it very well I loved reading that ( I tip my hat )
Tony

Good job matching lyrics to this music..respect!!!
Kevin

 

I'm the worm in your apple
This is simple and elegant. Says all that needs saying without pomp, complexity, or ego.
VERY nicely done. This borders on genius imo.
Verlon

I clicked this expecting it to be terrible, not going to lie, just something in the name put me off, but wow man, seriously, you nailed it, perfectly poetic and not contrived or whiney
Sellon

 

once full of hope
This is a superb set of lyrics! ...
The subject you've addressed here is one that, for most of us, we will need to encounter at some time or other. For many, that encounter may be made easier through the realisation that we are not alone in our experiences, that there are songs out there that delve into the indignity that sometimes comes with ill health. I, for one, can imagine this set of lyrics helping a range of people to endure that indignity, knowing they weren't the first to experience such emotional reactions.
Sunburst

This lyric is depressing, YES....but it also helps us to appreciate WHAT WE HAVE NOW... These days are comming for all of us....But the question is how will we handle the GOOD PRESENT DAYS we have now... This lyric is thought provoking and POWERFUL.... I APPRECIATE YOU WRITING IT... Not all life is fun and some of it is HORRIBLE...Facing the facts is a reality you brought to our attention.
Andrew

Well done. Interesting that you pointed your original intention because I got a vindictive vibe from the lyric - as if part of you was glad at this guy’s suffering. It definitely works.
Justin

 

bang, you're out
Wow dude, this is brutal! lol But such is life…..
Tony

 

here's today
This is in the 'always look on the bright side of life' category so plus points for positivity...
Phil

Nice one, I only had to read it once to more or less get the tune in my head,
Tom

 

claim my right
... I think the 'no I won't cry' could be a killer hook if the melody is right. It's a very tough topic to tackle and you've done it so admirably and served it well. I think the opening 2 verses really stab like a knife at the conscience and set the scene perfectly. I like the fact that despite the verses regaling a tale of downtrodden victimhood the chorus sends a defiant warning shot across the bow.
Sing4Me88

 

two parties
I pictured the Middle East conflict as I read this. I think this is point on and well done even if a bit forward on descriptions. In fact that is a big strength in my opinion. Good lyric with a good flow. Nice work.
LooknGlass

 

mean streak
It was good until you got to the ultimate line in the chorus. "And I love her." THEN it got great.
Verlon

This is a good 'un Bernd. She sounds like fun in a perverse sort of way! I like how you have 'and i love her' at the end of the chorus because it's unexpected. The rhyme scheme you used in the verses was novel too.
Phil

 

lifelong pleasure
I have nothing to pick at or add as this was a treat to read; would love to hear this when it is recorded
Excellent
Richard

 

borderline
This is a lyric to me anyway....that makes one want to dig a little deeper...to try and understand a mind....thats BORDERLINE..
Andrew

Good read, catchy title. I liked the verses and also like the way you ended each verse.
Good job.
Holz

 

who is I
I love these spare, meaningful lyrics that milk a lot of meaning out of a few words.
Verlon

really enjoyed reading this good example of less is more
Tony

love the word marooned!!
good write, love the short verses and chorus!
James

 

off-season
I really like the specificity and the development of your ideas in the chorus.
Matt

I liked this! nicely written with plenty of imagery, which I think is very important...
Kevin

 

the man I'll never be
I like this one. A great topic to write about. I like how the wordy verses are juxtaposed with a rather simple chorus. It really works for me. The hook line is great- simple but effective a sign of great writing.
"SingForMe"

 

will you fancy me
I like this one. It flows along smooth as silk.
Phil

Good song here. I really like the flow of it, there's no faults there. The chorus seems like it could be catchy and the verses are good. Good job.
Booboo

I love how authentic this song feels, it doesn't feel forced in anyway it just seems to flow for me.
I enjoy the chorus and I think it could be good with a killer melody and track! Honestly, I was expecting the song to be slightly corny but it's really not! It's natural and oddly kinda serious.
Thomas

 

monkey stew
Great lyrics Bernd, good story, I can picture telling this type traveling friend, "It sure looks like you, eating monkey stew."
Pam

Very original song. Never heard anything like it. I guess people will eat anything if they are hungry enough.
Jim Colyer

Definitely a different sound and subject. Like the Monkey Stew idea. It's amusing in an understated way...
Stevie

 

thought police
Good one. George Orwell and Aldous Huxley would be proud. Since 9/11, we are living in this kind of America. The police in Nashville make me paranoid as hell.
Jim

 

close your eyes
Bernd
I think the timing flows rather well in the style of--say--"I Am The Walrus", ala The Beatles, with a bit of "Strawberry Fields" mixed about. Brilliant and inspirational.
JD

 

house of worms
FINALLY, a new , fresh way to express what we all feel from time to time.
plus, good structure and,good rhyme. I would love to hear this one.
Tim

 

terminal disease
I like this one Bernd, I like the way you play with the life for everything possible, that everything has a place, and we all have the right to live it to the fullest, or should...
I haven’t listened to it yet but will go do that now
Peace Darlene

 

what we're having
Great dialogue .. great song ..
It's something for Andrew Weber to use with his musicals .. on stage ..
Great work ...
Saeed

This is a bit different from the usual stuff i've seen on here and reads like something out of a musical to me! Nice one.
Phil.

Very cleverly done!
Booboo

 

leaving traces
Whoa, deep, very deep dude, but it makes complete sense to me, and I’m pure country, go figure. As I read lines 1 and 2, even before I read line 8, I thought Romans.
Cool job of carrying it through to the individual level, through generations, there's a lot to ponder here, Kudos, I like it.
Ron

 

against the wall
this is an interesting lyric. lots of cool lines.
Calvin

I think this is wonderful. An amazing use of words. I just finished watching a series about Henry VIII and found myself angry that the people in those times could be so controlled by religion and politics. We need to use common sense to make certain we don't take the same road. You've hit enough nails on the head to build a pretty amazing building.
Susie

 

shall I live
Hi Bernd,
Pretty dark take on the human condition. It fits the world we live in. I am interested in hearing this set to music.

 

it's all there
Morning Bernd:
This is one interesting lyric. The short, crisp lines add something that pulls me in and keeps me reading.
I ... really enjoyed how you brought us along from the beginning of the relationship till its end. Good Job!
Douglas

I like this, Bernd! I respond to songs that take on large themes, and it doesn't get much larger than "It's All There." ... Nice job. Be proud of it!
Bob

 

where the angels come to weep
So touching i simply love "I cannot sleep where the angels come to weep" - beautiful
Susie

 

Joy
I like this. It is a happy song. I can relate because I was in love with a gal whose middle name was Joy.
Jim

 

in need
I really like this one... it's simple and with the right music and vocal, could put one in "the mood".
Jen

 

don't turn your back on me
Another great write from Bernd! I like this one a lot, Bernd! You should enter the lyrical challenge contest with some of your stuff...
Bill

 

your place or mine
Hi Bernd,
this is an interesting piece. I like the story behind it...a couple meeting in a bar and starting a conversation. Really nice lyrics. Good job.

Hey Bernd - interesting piece you have going on here...I’m with Robert, I enjoyed it from a thematic standpoint. Not complicated - just an easy exploration into "the every day" in a way that most will be able to relate to. Any plans on production?

 

long-legged divinity
Bernd,
I really enjoyed this lyric. You nailed this one labeling it a Stonesish tune. Definitely fits in with their “sleazy style” songs. I could hear this being played in a smoke-filled bar at just about closing time!
John

 

sense of recognition
Hi bernd! Wow, yeah nice write! The cool thing of when I first read this is I didn’t know if you were talking about family or friend-it let my imagination loose to contemplate the lyrics in a couple different ways. This is a perfect example of creating a couple sets of doors to let the reader choose to go through. I also like the fact that the last two lines have no rythming reference, ending with the word ‘recognition’ (I bet that word rolls off the tongue dramatically). I haven’t listened to it yet so...I agree with shirl about having a 70’s feel to it, I’m not sure about how people will enjoy having ‘brother’ at the beginning of each verse but I tend to do the same to keep drilling the mood forward. Now that you’ve told us the ‘brother’ reference I can clearly see how the lines fit together. Nice job!
Jay

 

pay them back
you keep it tight, no over indulgence with words. vivid paintings with words, shows skill.
David

Got some good imagery starting with the yellow rain. A dark, brooding song full of fear and loathing and revenge.
Dan

 

jumpy
Whoa Whoa...Merci ..Merci Bernd !!
Youre Full Throttle Dude :..lol..lol...
This Is One Hot Piece;0
:) :) Bernd I Luv How You Elevated My Interest
Levels. .oooooweee -
Your First Verse Just Grabbed me And
Took me on This amazing Ride ..:)
I'm diggin JUmpy.....
Excellent Write-
Shirley

 

Ganymede
This would be a fabulous opera piece, Bernd. You are awesome at retelling these legends from Greek mythology. Kudos to you for the precision in your craft!
JD

Hi Bernd, This is some very fine writing you have got going on here. I agree with Darlene. I love when someone creates a work of art. Nice real nice. Tony

Bernd,
This is a excellent write, I can envsion the images you are portraying in these lyric’s. I love Greek Mythology and history its always interesting its filled with, darkness, love, joy, lust and greed!
Sara

 

peaceful times
Wondering why more people can’t just see the truth like you do. I wish society would just simplify their minds for one day and see the world as children do. This song is what they would sing.
Jorge

Bernd
As I see it this piece is important precisely for its uneducated viewpoint, its simplicity, its inherent disdain for the illogic of war. This is an human perception laid out as a human being ought to lay bare the stupidity of war as it conflict with the many beauties love invites and nourishes as a sort of utopian vision within and between us...and between all lovers, who obviously have no place for horror. ...
I like what you have so long ago written, Bernd; ...

 

listen to the river (Siddhartha)
Great lyrics Bernd. So pretty. I really loved it. Thank you so much to share it with us.
Craig

 

Good morning, love
Hi Bernd, Nice melody you have here. I really enjoyed your guitar break too. I wish there had been more of that, in fact.
Matt

 

make me real
really enjoyed reading this very up lifting, story of love coming out on top! Great line - Since you've come to make me - real!
Sara

This has a really good flow, Bernd. I like the mood of it--sort of dreamy/sort of lucid. Very nice work.
JD

 

giants fall
This is one of your greats! What a clever write I love the whole concept of the lyric “Gaints Fall” Oh they sure do! An your lyric describes exaclty what I want to say to a few people!!! So get some music to it so I can call them and play this down the phone!
Sara

Hi Bernd,
nice write. I think some lines still need just a little polishing but all in all this looks like a very strong song. I especially like the way you wrote the pre-chorus lines. Good work!
Robert

This is a great song!!!
I love the title and chorus most.
I bow down to you sir...excellent work I say.
Shari

 

don't hurt me
I like that there is stuff left unsaid, it makes you think what’s this guy hiding and why, is he trying to protect her, not break her heart, yeah a head scratch-er, like that,
tony

 

Gilgamesh
Wowwww Bernd !!! This is awsome !!! Excellent imagery. I love this story. What a gift you have.
You story teller you! God Bless,
Shari

 

Good morning, love
That´s real sweet and honest - a tribute to a lover without being cheesy. A perfect example of a well-structured Lyric!
Martin

Very nicely done. Flows well all the way through. And I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end.
John