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eyes wide open

These are the lyrics I've written for Ronson (not yet approved):

VERSE
you think he's your great love
the real thing
but will he stand the test
will he be true
true to you

pure, gentle, romantic
your white knight
you think he is the best
the best for you
best for now
and ever

LIFT
today he charms you
one day he'll harm you
why are you acting
like blind?

CHORUS
(your) eyes wide open
I (can) see you head for a fall
(your) eyes wide open
I don't wanna watch you break down and fall

VERSE
do I have to tell you
what I heard
about his way with girls
hurtful and rude
he's a brute

do I have to warn you
what's in store
dark forces that unfurl
once he is
sure of you
he's got you

LIFT
today he charms you
one day he'll harm you
why are you acting
like blind?

CHORUS
(your) eyes wide open
I (can) see you head for a fall
(your) eyes wide open
I don't wanna watch you break down and fall



May I draw your attention to the lift (pre-chorus)? In the tune (vocal line) the intonation goes:

NA na na NA na
NA na na NA na
NA na na NA na
NA NA

In the first three lines the stress lies on the second last syllable. This must be observed by the words used. A line like "such wonderful day" would NOT really work. Also, the rhyme should lie on the stressed syllable, not on the unstressed last one. It is fine if both harmonize, but the stressed syllable is the important one. Here the words "charm(s)" and "harm" constitute the rhyme.

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Bernd on :

After rewriting several lines Ronson now wants something 'dark' instead in the manner of Avenged Sevenfold who I'd never heard of before and which would be a genre that I'm not exactly comfortable with. Maybe I'll give it a try applying my well-tested 'template method', i.e. using the current text as a pattern on top of which I simply write different words.

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